Hello,

Things are booming here at the newsletter headquarters! Everyone is doing such a wonderful job in sending in jokes, stories and technical information. If you have anything you would like to see or want to know about, please do not hesitate to write us at Fun_phoenix@yahoo.com .

Ms.Boots

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HI Everyone,

Thanks Cuddly for the true storys from travel agents.

Trust me I know those storys all to well.

I think my personal favorite, that actually happened to me was a client wanting to sit on the unsunny side of plane.

Thanks again cuddly for making my day!!!!

Kandee

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Hey Mig,

Now is that any way to feed a baby formula???? And where is the frog you stole the bottle from??

Cuddlybear

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A few notes on opening images from Miguel_1,

First of all, yes save it to disc. If you are using Win95/98 you can highlight the file by clicking it, then hold down the shift button and right click the file. You will get an option to "open with", now normally your browser is ideal for this. I use multiple image editors and can selectively open images in any of said programs (Paint Shop Pro, U-lead,etc.) So, look at your browser option first.. Be careful not to select always use this program for this type of file unless you want your browser etc to be the default viewer.I have found this to be a safe and reliable method to open images with various applications, hopes this helps some : )

Mig

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Hi all,

Would anyone wishing to download the latest
release of ChatCheck (2.3e) please note :

Although I have updated my webpage at Force9 the ISP is having problems with the page server and it is incorrectly loading the pages from Feb 12th.

Please use my other website at
http://sqiz.co.uk/
(this is working correctly).

Sorry for any inconvenience
Sqiz.

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Weather Report from Mig

Recent Scientific research has brought some amazing facts to light regarding our local weather, and how it corresponds with the lives of some other fellow "Canadians"..

Here is an easy guide to compare lifestyles of this culturally diverse group we so proudly call Home....

The Temperature Conversion Guide,

50 above = Vancouverites try to turn on the heat. Manitobans plant gardens.

40 above = Victorians shiver uncontrollably. Winnipegers sunbathe.

35 above = Italian cars won't start. Winnipegers drive with the windows down.

32 above = Distilled water freezes. Winnipeg's water gets thicker.

20 above = Torontonians wear coats, gloves & wool hats. Manitobans throw on a T-shirt.

15 above = Quebecers begin to evacuate the province. Manitobans go swimming.

Zero = Toronto landlords finally turn up the heat. Manitobans have the last cookout before it gets cold.

10 below = People in Vancouver cease to exist. Manitobans lick flagpoles.

20 below = Calgarians fly away to Mexico. Manitobans throw on a light jacket.

40 below = Hamilton disintegrates. Manitobans rent some videos.

60 below = Mt. St. Helen's freezes. Winnipeg Girl Scouts begin selling cookies door to door.

80 below = Polar bears begin to evacuate Antarctica. Manitoban Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough.

100 below = Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Winnipegers pull down their earflaps.

173 below = Ethyl alcohol freezes. Manitobans get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.

297 below = Microbial life survives on dairy products. Manitoba cows complain of farmers with cold hands.

460 below = ALL atomic motion stops. Manitobans start saying "Cold' nuff for ya?"

500 below = Hell freezes over. The Winnipeg Blue Bombers win the Grey Cup. Canada's Super Bowl)

Mig

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More from Cuddlybear:

The Funeral....

Tom was on the side of the road and noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by another long black hearse about 50 feet back. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind that were 200 men walking single file. Tom couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said "Sir, I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

The man replied "Well, that first hearse is for my wife." Tom asked, "What happened to her?" The man replied "My dog attacked her and she died."

Tom inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?" The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned and attacked her and she died."

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The kindergartners were now in the first grade. Their teacher wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer in kindergarten. She told them to use grown up words instead of baby words. She then asked them to tell her what they did during the summer.

The first little one said he went to see his Nana. The teacher said, "No, No, you went to see your grandmother. Use the grown up word."

The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo. The teacher again said, "No, No, you went on a trip on a 'train.' That's the grown up word."

Then the teacher asked the third little one what he did during the summer. He proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked what book he had read.

He puffed out his chest and in a very adult way replied, "Winnie the S..t"

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Brand New Jeep Grand Cherokee

Guy buys a brand new Grand Cherokee for $30,000+, and has $400.00+ in monthly payments. He's pretty proud of this rig, and gets a hold of his friend to do some male bonding with the new ride. They go duck hunting and of course all the lakes are frozen. These two Atomic Brains go to the lake with their guns, the dog, the beer and of course the new vehicle. They drive out onto the ice. Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area to attract ducks -- something the decoys will float on. Remember it's all ice, and in order to make a hole large enough to interest a flock of ducks -- a hole big enough to entice ducks to land, they needed to use a little more than an ice hole drill...
Sooo, out of the back of the brand-new Jeep Grand Cherokee comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40-Second fuse. Now to their credit, these two rocket scientists DID take into consideration that if they placed the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they (and the new Grand Cherokee) would be waiting and ran back quickly, they would risk slipping on the ice as they ran from the imminent explosion and could possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast. After a little deliberation, they come up with the idea of lighting and THROWING the dynamite, which is what they end up doing.
Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the beer, the guns AND THE DOG ???? Yes, the dog. The driver's pet Black Lab (used for retrieving -- especially things thrown by the owner) is present and on duty. You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice, reaching the stick of dynamite with the burning 40 second fuse about the time it hits the ice -- all to the woe of the two idiots which are now yelling, stomping, waving arms and wondering what the hell to do now...
The dog is very happy and now heads back toward the "hunters" with the stick of dynamite. I think we all can picture the ever-increasing concern on the part of the brain trust, as the loyal Labrador Retriever approaches. The Bozo's now are REALLY waving their arms -- yelling even louder and generally feeling kinda panicked.
Now finally one of the guys decides to think -- something that neither had done before this moment -- grabs a shotgun and shoots the dog. This sounds better than it really is, because the shotgun was loaded with a 8 duck shot and hardly effective enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog DID stop for a moment, slightly confused,
but then continued on. Another shot, and this time the dog -- still standing, became REALLY confused & of course scared.
Thinking that these two Nobel Prize Winners have gone TOTALLY INSANE, the pooch takes off to find cover with a now extremely short fuse still burning on the stick of dynamite.

The cover the dogs finds? Underneath the brand new Grand Cherokee worth 30-some thousand dollars -- the $400.00+ monthly payment vehicle that is sitting nearby on the lake ice.

BOOM !

Dog dies, vehicle sinks to bottom of lake, and these two "CO-Leaders of the Known Universe" are left standing there with this "I can't EVEN believe this happened to me" look on their faces. Later, the owner of the vehicle calls his insurance company and is promptly informed that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT covered on his policy...
He had yet to make his first car payment.

Cuddlybear

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